If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
