a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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