I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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