Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
