the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
