The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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