i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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