I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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