my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
