I wish I could teleport
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
