It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
