I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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