I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
