If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
