i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
