Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
