Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
