I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
