I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
