you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
