I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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