belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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