Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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