At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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