Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
