I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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