I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
