Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
