Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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