My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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