Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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