did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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