I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
