i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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