Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
