I got chris browned last night
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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