are you still at the devil's house?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
