I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
someone owes me an orgasm
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Are my feet made of real feet?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
