using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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