Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
