I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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