Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
