saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
