Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
