Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
