There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
