I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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