i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
