i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
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