Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
