I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
